Embrace your true self through kink and connection.


The Things I Don’t Tell my Vanilla Friends…

Let me tell you an awkward story…

About 2 years ago I caught up for a drink with a friend of mine – lets call her Kate. Kate is a passionate feminist. Feminism isn’t something I particularly identify with myself, though I do agree with it’s core values, and I appreciate that my friend is very passionate about the cause.

Anyway, over this drink, Kate was telling me about this book she was reading. I don’t remember the name of the book, but it was about “Incels.”

“What are Incels?” I asked.

Turns out, Incel is a term for a group of men who are involuntarily celibate, and are extremely mad about it. They believe women have too much power to choose their sexual partners and consider women denying them of sex as a kind of ‘reverse rape.’

Obviously this is super fucked up. My rational, executive functioning brain understands that. But as Kate was explaining these Incels to me, I noticed something else was happening in my brain… I was getting turned on. 😳

Turns out my illogical, naughty, sexy brain couldn’t help but find the concept of a group of men who feel entitled to take women for their own sexual gratification super arousing. I know my feminist friend would be horrified, but ever since I had this conversation, these incel characters have worked their way into my fantasies.

Now… just to be clear… I am in no way advocating for this hateful movement. I just wanted to point out that sometimes what we find sexually arousing can be in direct conflict with what we value in real life. This can be very confusing. To the point that many of us end up suppressing our sexual desires because we feel like they are shameful.

If you feel conflicted about whether your kinks are compatible with your values, then I encourage you to do some research, and try to understand your desires better. Suppressing your sexual identity will only cause more pain, and chances are, it was nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. I am now very comfortable with my CNC fantasies, I just don’t usually mention them to my vanilla friends 😂 haha!

I do a deep dive into this topic on the latest episode of my podcast (Listen on AppleSpotify or in your browser), if you’d like to learn more.

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