As a kink educator, and safety-conscious human, I have a tendency to laser-focus on boundaries. I want people to explore kink with joy and with care. I want folks to come out of their scenes feeling like glorious, well-fucked superheroes—not emotionally wrecked and googling “is this trauma?”
But sometimes, the desire to keep everyone safe can start getting in the way of the whole point. Especially when it comes to edge play.
Recently, I interviewed fear play specialist Cruciator on my podcast (ep. 94—go listen, you won’t be the same afterward), and I became aware of a bias I’ve developed. He was describing a scene with no safe words and a clear threshold: once it’s crossed, there’s no going back. And I could feel the alarm bells going off in my head…
“But consent can be withdrawn at any time!” my internal safety officer was shouting. “If there are no safe words, and no option to stop, how do we make sure this doesn’t turn into an actual violation?” This is a valid question. But like most things in this wonderfully complex life, the answer isn’t black and white.
What’s important to remember here is that Cruciator has decades of experience—this isn’t his first day in kink. He spends months getting to know someone before engaging in play like this. He has detailed safety protocols (see his Extreme Scene Protocol and Negotiation Word) and a deep understanding of psychological and physical dynamics. He knows what he’s doing.
During the interview, he said something that really stuck with me. He told me that many bottoms don’t want to keep control. That’s the whole point.
They want the fear.
They want the powerlessness.
They want to surrender completely.
And honestly… I absolutely get that.
In these extreme scenes, the agency happens before the scene begins. Like, a lot before. That’s why these things can’t be rushed. And yeah, there’s still a risk involved for both parties. But ultimately, that’s their risk to take.
That’s when I realised… isn’t that a form of agency too? The right to choose. The right to say, “I want this wild, terrifying, delicious experience” and “No, I don’t want a fucking safe word.”
Let me put this another way…
Kink scenes like CNC or fear play are often compared to rollercoasters—and for good reason. You strap in. Your heart races. You scream, you cry, you laugh, you beg for more. But let’s not forget: rollercoasters don’t have safe words. Once it starts, you’re in it. You trusted yourself to get on the ride. You trusted the operator to run it safely. You’re not hopping off halfway through because it’s too much. That’s the deal.
(Wow. It’s almost like kink is based on trust? 🤔)
I’m not saying we should all ditch safe words. I use them. I love them. I recommend them. But I also know there may come a day when I choose not to have that safety net. And when I do, I won’t be giving up my agency… I’ll be owning it.
Your kink might not be my kink, and mine might not be yours. That’s cool. This isn’t a competition. And if someone wants to chase that feeling to the edge of fear, without a parachute, knowing the risks and trusting their partner? I say fuck yes to that.
That said, regardless of whether safe words are in use, I believe anyone holding power in a scene has a responsibility to read their partner’s cues and act in their best interest. That’s part of what it means to earn that power. But it’s not foolproof. Sometimes even we don’t know our own limits until they’re crossed. So there is risk. And that is something we navigate together.
Ultimately, after doing this interview, I realised that agency isn’t just about maintaining control over your boundaries. Sometimes, it’s having the freedom, and the trust, to hand that control over. To say, “I know the risks. I choose this anyway.”
Let me know your thoughts below…
🎧 Want to hear more? Listen to episode #94 of Turns Out I’m Into It —available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
