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Toxic Monogamy is the Enemy of Love

Monogamy is something most couples never really discuss. It is generally assumed when we enter a relationship, it will be monogamous, and that is that. After all, monogamy is the only way to show true emotional commitment to someone… right?

Well I strongly disagree.

I’m not here to hate on anyone’s life choices. I have several close friends and family who are in healthy monogamous relationships, and that seems to be the right choice for them. So please refrain from grabbing those pitchforks just yet.

In fact, my issue isn’t even with monogamy, my issue is with the self righteous, toxic culture around monogamy. The kind of culture that dresses up possessiveness and extreme jealousy as “passion” and declares that sexual fidelity is the one and only path to love.

If you want an example of how prevalent this culture is, just watch a couple of episodes of Friends. Eg. Rachel finally lands her dream job in fashion – instead of being happy for her, Ross gets insanely jealous of Rachel’s new male co-worker Mark, and embarrasses Rachel in front of her entire new office, boldly asserting his position as her boyfriend.

What about The Big Bang Theory? Eg. Penny gets offered a great job working for her ex boyfriend Zack – Leonard can’t handle the idea of her working for an ex and tells her not to take the job. Zack’s fiancé later has the same reaction – justifying Leonards behaviour.

These are not healthy relationships! Stop romanticising controlling behaviour!

It’s not just TV. I have experienced this kind of thing many times in real life. For example, I had a boyfriend suddenly decide he was no longer comfortable with me having male friends, so he demanded that I cut off all ties with them. I felt like it was unfair in my heart, but I didn’t feel like I could refuse him.


Because we live in a culture where this kind of shit has been completely normalised!

He was only trying to control me because he loves me so much, and couldn’t handle the thought of losing me to another guy… how fucking romantic. * suspicious squints. * 🤨

This is really just the tip of the iceberg as to where I believe the culture around monogamy has become toxic. I haven’t even mentioned when it promotes secrecy over honesty in relationships, when it causes people to feel deep shame around normal desires (which can then fester into doubt and resentment).

Unlike other relationship styles (casual, open, poly) which require much careful conversation around each person’s needs, values and boundaries in a relationship, monogamy can be so self righteous, it seems to assume everyone is on the same page and there is no need for further discussion on this subject EVER.

Seriously, if you ever bring up that threesome fantasy of yours you will be sleeping on the couch for a week!

And don’t even get me started on sexual fidelity being inherent to love! Personally I could never love, or feel loved, in a relationship that places limits on what we are both allowed to experience. For me, if I ever needed rules like that, I would feel both trapped and untrusted. For me, being able to let go, and explore sex with different partners, knowing that this poses no threat to our relationship at all… to me, that’s love.

It’s not the only way to love, but it’s working pretty damn well for us so far.

Honestly, I could write about this stuff all day, but in the interest of keeping these writings short and easy to consume, I am going to leave it here. If you are interested in hearing more of my views on this subject then please listen to episode #15 of my podcast (listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts). I go into much more detail about each of these points, which might be helpful if you want to do some more exploring on this.

Till next week, play safe, have fun
Harley 🐰 xox

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